By Jane Verity ©dementiacareinternational.com
As a care provider going into the home or room of a person with dementia, you may have encountered unpleasant and unexpected challenges where you asked yourself, ‘What could I have done differently to avoid this situation?’
Written in the voice of the person with dementia, this article enables you to discover their experiences. You will learn the secrets to prevent stressful situations by seeing each interaction from their point of view and understanding their special needs.
The suggestions discussed have all been trialled and tested in real life with great success. You may find it beneficial to read these ideas several times as there are various subtle hints to discover. The secret to success lies in focusing on the small details in your everyday interactions with the person who has dementia.
When you go into the home or room of people with dementia, you are their visitor. Take every opportunity to empower them with the feeling that they are in charge and have your full respect.
The thoughts and feelings of the person with dementia:
If you want to come into my home, I need to feel comfortable and think of you as my special friend. I do not need help – I am doing fine. I have looked after myself all my life, taken care of my family; I do not need you to come in here and take over running my life.
Who are You?
When you come to my door, I may not recognise who you are, remember your name, nor why you are here. This is no reflection on you but on my memory so I need your help. Put me at ease so I can trust you and feel comfortable to open the door and welcome you in. Say hello and use my name so I can realise that we know each other. Then say your name and the relationship we have. I prefer to think of you as a special friend, so this could sound like, ‘Hi John, I’m Simone, your special friend from Council Care.’
What are you Doing Here?
You need to know I am ‘allergic’ to receiving help or support so rather than telling me you are here to help, which may result in me telling you to go home, tell me you have come to say hello and see how I am. Once I have let you in, and we have said our special greeting, you could say, ‘While I am here, what if I give you a hand with the cleaning?’ When you suggest giving me a hand, you are implying that I am still in charge and I like that. If you come in, pull out the vacuum and tell me you are cleaning up, I am likely to take offence as I feel you are taking over. Remember, my home or room is my castle.
When You Change my Bedclothes
When you give me a hand changing my bedding, you need to be respectful of how you handle my bedclothes. For me, they are an extension of who I am, so if you throw them on the floor I feel that you are discarding me. As we make the bed together, I like it when you ask me how I prefer to have it done. I am usually very particular and like to show you.
My Clothes
The same applies to my personal clothes when you give me a hand in the shower – they are an extension of me. Never throw them on the floor nor tell me they are dirty. I will immediately think you are telling me that I am dirty, which is bound to make me angry and argumentative. Instead, carefully hang my clothes on a coat hanger. Then, while I have my shower, gently move the clothes that need washing out of my sight, replacing them with fresh clothes.
Going to the Toilet
If I use continence pads, or I have had an accident, never tell me that they are soiled or dirty, or that I need ‘clean’ underwear. I hear these words as an insult and may become indignant and difficult. Instead, I prefer the words ‘fresh’ and ‘freshen up.’ You could say, ‘What if I give you a hand freshening up once you have been to the toilet?’
This reminds me, I do not like constant prodding that I need to go to the toilet. If you ask me, ‘Would you like to go to the toilet?’ I am likely to respond with a strong, ‘No!’ If I am a woman you could try saying, ‘I need to go to the toilet, are you coming?’ If I am a man you could say, ‘After everything we have had to drink, nature calls. Come on!’ Keep it simple and a matter of fact.
Cleaning my Fridge
I do not like it when you open my fridge and remove food that has expired or has a bit of mould. If I watch you doing this, or even worse, you are telling me about all the things that have expired, I am suddenly aware that I may not be coping well on my own. This is hurtful and frightening for me, which is why I may become upset and react with, ‘Put that back, there is nothing wrong with it!’ I know deep down my argument is not logical but you have pointed out a weakness and I will fight to keep up my façade. Instead, I like it when you enable me to be busy elsewhere while you clean the fridge. You could even boost my self-esteem by telling me I keep my fridge nice and clean.
See You Next Time
When it is time for you to leave, I like it when you tell me how much you have enjoyed spending this time together and that you look forward to seeing me again. I may even respond in the same manner, which means I have had a positive experience. This is how you can become my special friend.
Further Reading